A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

A rabbit walks into a shop and asks the clerk: "Can I have a carrot, please?"
"No, you can't have a carrot, we don't have any", replies the clerk.
The next day, the rabbit returns and asks again: "Can I have a carrot, please?"
"Again, we don't have any carrots."
The day after that, the rabbit returns again and asks the same question, and the clerk gives the same answer, then he adds: "If you return tomorrow, asking for a carrot again, I'll nail you to the wall."
Of course, the rabbit's there again the next day and asks: "Can I have a carrot, please?"
The clerk takes the rabbit and nails it to the wall, right next to the cross. The rabbit looks at the Jesus statuette at the cross and asks: "Did you want a carrot, too?"

Trying to Help a Friend

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he told me I was crazy and refused.

But he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured. With both legs now exactly the same length, he no longer leans.

"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

A man went into a clothing store to look for a suit. He ended up being served by a slick salesman, who had the man try on a particular suit that the store had been trying to get rid of. "How do you like it?" he asked the customer. "Well, I really like the material, but the right sleeve seems to be a little longer than the left one."

"No, actually, it looks like you are standing with your right shoulder drooped a bit. Just hunch up your shoulder a bit and look again," the salesman said. The man did so, hunching his right shoulder up well higher than the left, and said, "Yes, actually that looks better. I didn't even realize I was standing crookedly. By the way, the coat looks a little long, too."

The salesman lied, "Well, I didn't want to embarrass you sir, but I noticed when you walked in, that you were stooped over. Do you have a bad back?" "No, I don't," said the gullible customer. "Well sir, if you stretch your shoulders back and walk more upright, the length of that coat is absolutely perfect on you!" Again, the customer did what the salesman suggested. "Oh, the suit looks beautiful on you, sir!" the salesman said. "Thanks, but there is one more thing," the customer said. "The slacks seem awfully baggy in the front. Can that be altered?"

The salesman said, almost in a whisper, "Well I suppose so, sir, but to tell you the truth, the suit is made assuming, well, a certain average male endowment. I suppose if you're lacking in that department, we could make a few adjustments..." "No, no!!!" the customer protested. "Maybe it's not so bad after all. Let me look in the mirror again," he said, as he comically protruded his hips forward. "There! I think it's just fine as is." "Absolutely, sir, I completely agree," the salesman added. The customer agreed to buy the suit, and decided to wear it home. He left the store and walked down the sidewalk, right shoulder hunched upward, back arched sharply back, and hips protruding forward unnaturally. After passing by two men on the sidewalk, one of the men commented, "Boy, that guy must have all kinds of awful health problems, to have to get around like that!" And the second man said, "Yeah, but doesn't the suit look good?"

[Caution: PG rating]

A man suffers for years from horrible headaches. He tries everything: medications, meditation, bio-feedback, hypnosis all to no avail. He visits doctor after doctor, clinic after clinic, and not one can pinpoint the cause of his headaches. He suffers in such horrible pain that he starts visiting quacks to find a cure for his affliction. But even the charlatans offer no explanation or relief.

Finally, one day, he visits a doctor at a clinic in Russia. After a lengthy examination and innumerable tests, the physician announces to the man that, although it is a unique case, they have finally determined the source of the man's headaches, and that they have a treatment that will eliminate the cause of his headaches. The man is, obviously, overjoyed at this news. But, the doctor tells him, the treatment is something you probably will not like. "Anything," the man says. "I'll try anything. What's the treatment?"

"Castration," replies the doctor. "We have determined that your gonads are the source of your headaches."

The man considers this but for a brief second before telling the doctor, "I've been in so much pain for so long, losing them will be a small price to pay."

After the surgery, when the anesthetic wears off, the man notices that, for the first time in eons, his headache is gone. And things continue on that way for a week during his recovery. Overjoyed at the success of ending his seemingly endless torture of constant headaches, he returns home, headache-free and with a spark to start a new life.

So, the man decides he's going to get a new job. But, since his old suit is a bit tattered, he decides to get a new suit. But not just any new suit, he decides to go get himself a custom-made suit.

Off he goes to the best tailor in the city to have himself measured for a custom suit. The tailor is meticulous, and takes his measurements with the wisdom of his vast experience.

Two weeks later, the custom suit is ready. The man goes back to the tailor's shop to try it on. The suit fits perfectly, thanks to the fantastic job of measuring the tailor did. The man is so happy with the suit, he decides to order an entire custom-made ensemble to go with the suit, everything from a hat to socks.

As the tailor is putting together his order of custom-made accessories, he starts reading them off to the man. "Hat, bowler, brown felt, size 9 5/8, neckties - 4 assorted paisley silk, shirts - one each - white, cream, pale blue - neck 16 3/8", sleeve 34 1/16" - belt, brown leather, size 34, underwear, five pair size 33..."

"Wait a second," says the man, "I've always worn size 32 underwear."

The tailor says, "No, you can't possibly wear a size 32. I took the measurements."

"That's gotta be wrong," says the man.

"Look," says the tailor, "I could make you size 32 underwear, but I won't. You need size 33. Size 32 would be too constricting. You'd get terrible, terrible headaches..."

No, he won't.

Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly funding a project with U.S. Auto makers whereby the automakers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured. This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH SH_T!" Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this."

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama makes his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the federal government to provide for the common defense!" He takes a sledgehammer and WHAM! nails Osama's knees. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Dwain, I heard (and saw) Buddy Hackett tell that story somewhere and I laughed for about a month.
Thanks for reminding me.
Bob